Part 10: Human Resilience - we must forgive ourselves for causing pain
(see previous) To sum up ... Feeling ‘guilt’ will not help the other person. The energy we are using to ‘feel guilt’ is taking energy away from the energy we could use to take action. It is creating a river block that makes us less ALIVE, less spontaneous, less able to contribute our unique amazing-ness to the dance of life. From Life’s perspective, there is no purpose in being ‘LESS’. We came here to be ‘MORE’, to contribute our unique-ness to the Dance. Get out there and … Feel your feelings (your real feelings) Take action from stillness Accept the ‘BIG-NESS’ of Life and the small part you play in it. And remember that we are ASTOUNDINGLY RESILIENT. Human beings survive the most extreme circumstances and come out thriving. Let us not disempower others of their resilience. It is never pleasant when we injure someone – it is not a desirable experience in any way – but, it does happen on the ‘playing field of life’. So let us remember that the person we believe we’ve injured is astoundingly resilient, return to them the power of their true nature and give them the space to respond to circumstances in their unique, creative and inspiring way. We must be careful not to see people as ‘victims’ because using that vision we disempower them and make it harder for them to respond powerfully to their situation. This is another ego game – to see that we are the ALL POWERFUL, SUPER HERO/ SUPER VILLAIN whose actions DESTROY others and that others can NEVER recover from and that we should NEVER be forgiven for. And that others are VICTIMS who cannot recover because we are ALL POWERFUL. Let’s back off from that ego story and accept that we are both players on the field. We are equals. Sometimes we injure others. Sometimes others injure us. We must humbly accept that sometimes we cause pain. It is part of the game that takes place on this field. We must FORGIVE ourselves for causing PAIN. I hope you have found this series of post on 'Guilt' to be useful and thought-provoking. I'd love to hear your thoughts, please leave a comment if you have one :)
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Part 9 : Is 'hurting others' OK?
(see previous) In the cut-and-thrust of being alive it is a truth that it is OK to hurt people. It is OK to be hurt by people. We are on the field of play. Things happen. It is part of the drama. We don’t always know why. Some things are bigger than us. And that is a good thing. This drama, called life, is not controllable. We didn’t come here to control life and have some ‘sanitised’ experience. We are here having a REAL, LIVE HUMAN experience. We don’t know what is going to happen. (to be continued ...) Part 7: Three steps to 'Giving up Guilt'
The following steps take the knowledge we've discussed in the previous posts and turn them into practical actions. (see previous) So, if we want to improve our relationship with ‘guilt’, there are a few things we need to do. First, connect with our body and find out what the primary emotion is that we are trying to ‘restrain’ by feeling ‘guilt’ instead. Then connect with that primary emotion, feel it, process it and let it leave the system. Second, let us let go of the ego story that EVERYthing is about us. Let’s let go of the idea that ‘I have to be PERFECT’ and the idea that there are ‘WRONG THINGS THAT CAN’T BE FORGIVEN’ (Please, please contact me if you think there are ‘wrong things that can’t be forgiven’ because that is causing A LOT OF SUFFERING and I am so happy to work that through with you.) When we truly let go of the ego story that this is ALL ABOUT ME we can look at the situation in a more detached way and see if there is anything we can do to assist the person we believe we’ve injured. And if there is an action we can take, that action will then be a GIFT to that person, not something we are doing to MAKE OURSELVES FEEL BETTER (i.e. we won’t be USING the other person to make us feel better, we’ll be doing an action out of stillness with no desired consequence. This is very powerful.) (To be continued ...) Part 6: Wrong-doings are UNFORGIVABLE
(see previous) The way I see it, ideally, we want to move through this experience of life as lightly as possible. (This goes back to the ‘letting the water flow’ analogy). If we have done something ‘wrong’, we want to sincerely feel that experience; acknowledge and accept reality, let the water flow and move on. There is no benefit in staying stuck in a river block. It doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help the other person. It does, however, help the ego ‘me’ story, because now this one-off event where ‘I did something wrong’ (that should pass uneventfully into the history of a billion other things that have done) becomes a story that I can really build on and make all about ‘me’. ‘I’m the bad one’, ‘I’m the one who did something terrible’, ‘It’s all my fault’, ‘I’m flawed’, ‘There’s something wrong with me’, ‘I’m going to be rejected’, ‘I’m going to be despised’. The main theme here is ‘me’. And the ego loves when the story is about ‘me’ – even if it means I have to be the ‘bad’ person – at least I am the STAR! And making this river block really stick it also helps if we have some idea that we have to be PERFECT and that mistakes and ‘wrong’-doings are UNFORGIVABLE. (These are concepts that are very attractive to people with a Pitta mind-body dosha – but maybe that’s a post for another day too!) (to be continued ...) Part 5: Guilt and brain biology
In the previous posts in the series, I've talked about how we have emotions about emotions and also about the Ayurvedic perspective on the Ego. Here I want to try to incorporate the Western perspective on Guilt as I understand it. (see previous) Now, where does ‘guilt’ come into this. If we think about ‘guilt’ from a Western perspective, we think of guilt being a part of having a conscience. It’s kind of a ‘good’ thing because it lets us know that we’ve done something ‘bad’, that we’ve transgressed one of our values. I guess it’s like a restrainer. Feeling guilty about something helps prevent us from doing it again. And the ‘bad’ feeling of feeling guilty also motivates us to take action to repair damage etc. I’m doing my best to outline it as I understand it – but as I said at the beginning – I’m not sure I get it – so feel free to help me out here. When I outline it in this way, it really seems that we can’t understand it without also understand brain biology. Namely that the pre-frontal cortex that helps us modulate emotional experience is not fully functional until well into our 20s and certainly not as child when we are learning all about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ from our parents, teachers and peers. So while we are waiting for our pre-frontal cortex to fully develop, we use what we have available to us to modulate emotion – namely, creating emotions about emotions. (to be continued ...) Part 4: Why do we choose to feel guilty (Ayurveda and the Ego)
(see previous) Now we have covered the fundamental and simple approach to emotions, let’s look at why we might be interested in an experience like ‘guilt’. Because, really, life is just so simple, we are river, rivers need to flow. Why would we get all mixed up in things that block the river? Here we need to bring in the Ayurvedic concept of ego. Ego is that part of the mind that filters experience and perception into a story about ‘me’. One of its main concerns is ‘Do I like this?’, ‘Do I not like this?’ It looks at experiences and decides if they ‘good’ or ‘bad’; if they are ‘desired’ or ‘undesired’. And naturally, it would like more of ‘desirable’ experiences and less of the ‘undesirable’ experiences. So it is willing to use every trick in the book to, as much as possible, steer us in the direction of ‘good’ experiences and away from ‘bad’ experiences. (This can lead to a lot of reactivity – but maybe that’s a blog for another day!) Anyway, we can sum this up by saying that the ego would like to CONTROL experience. (This is mostly futile and impossible – but again, a post for another day!) And one of the areas of experience it would like to control is our somatic and emotional experience. The soma experience is SO POWERFUL; so real; with all its blood and brain chemistry; the ego would love to be in charge of that. However, the flow of life, the flow of emotions is far beyond the jurisdiction of the ego. The ego, not happy to acknowledge that there is any domain that is outside of its jurisdiction, has come up with several ways to have ‘some’ control over the somatic and emotional experience. And one of the main ways it does this is by creating ‘emotions about emotions’. From the ego’s perspective, at least it gets to choose the ‘emotion’ when it’s an ‘emotion about an emotion’. So that gives it some power in the game. And the ego can rank emotions from most to least desirable and therefore choose an emotion that it thinks is more desirable. Hence choosing to get angry about being scared – it means that the ego of that person thinks anger is more desirable than fear, so it would rather feel angry than feel scared. Mission accomplished, partly. The ego has been able to excerpt some control over the somatic and emotional experience. The ego is not concerned about the effect that might have on the flow of the river, because the ego really isn’t interested in the flow of the river. It is interested in the ‘me’ story. And in fact, the ego would rather let the body die (through lack of flow) than release its grip on the ‘me’ story. I know this sounds incredible! but it’s true and maybe should be the topic of another blog! (to be continued ...) Part 3: Feeling good about feeling bad (see previous) As an aside, it’s interested that the ‘emotions about emotions’ that come from the ‘Pain’ column feel BAD and hard to process. Whereas the ones that come from the ‘Pleasure’ about ‘Pain’ column feel kind of bittersweet or OK. For example …
But the feeling ‘Pain’ about feeling ‘pain’ are definite river-blockers. They shut us down – like fear of getting angry (powerless). They waste a lot of energy – like anger about feeling fear (geiser). And they block us up – like sadness about feeling fear (self-pity). So if you are feeling disturbed by an ‘emotion’ it can be very helpful to return to the primary emotions and see if you can identify if what you are feeling is a variant of a primary emotion or if it is an ‘emotion about an emotion’. And if you find it an ‘emotion about an emotion’, switch your focus to the ‘about an emotion’ emotion and see if by connecting with that your system is able to process the emotion and let the river keep flowing. (to be continued) Part 2: Emotions about emotions In part 1 I blogged about how amazingly designed the body is to process somatic experience and how any blocked-ness / stuck-ness in our experience comes from impeding the flow of the river of emotion. (See previous post) So what does this have to do with guilt? Well it seems to me that guilt is a way to impede the flow of the river. And the warning sign for me is always is this an ‘emotion’ or is an ‘emotion that I’m having about an emotion’? The way I think about it is emotions are water and ‘emotions about emotions’ are river blocks. How do you tell the difference? I’ve found it helpful to consider that we have 4 primary emotions … · Anger · Sadness · Fear · Joy And, as emotions are such a somatic experience for me, I would add one more … · Pain Maybe another way to put this is …
(Here are some variations around this list) Focussing on primary emotions helps me ‘feel’ my ‘feelings’ and get the water in my river flowing again. Because I am at my healthiest when the river is flowing. I don’t necessarily need to analyse my emotions or ‘learn’ from them. In some ways I just have let the water flow. Each primary emotion has many ‘shades of grey’ that fill out the richness of that pure emotion. For example ...
For me there is a kind of ‘cleanness’ about these emotions because they are directly connected to their primary emotion. Where it gets more tricky, icky, complicated and difficult is when ‘emotions about emotions’ mix primary emotions. For example
And maybe these could all be summed up as feeling bad! What’s tricky about them is that they feel like ‘real’ emotions but no matter how much you ‘get angry about feeling scared’, the getting ‘angry’ will NEVER process the ‘scared’ i.e. fear, so the system never gets to release the primary emotion and therefore it keeps generating it. (to be continued ...) Part 1: 'Difficult' emotions
Recently someone asked me for some help changing their relationship with guilt. And while I am aware that in the West ‘guilt’ is considered a normal/expected reaction to certain situations, I have to admit to not really getting it! So in this post, I’m going to share my perspective, for what it’s worth, and hope to share the western model in another post. For me, whenever I’m confronted by ‘difficult emotions’ (that is a somatic experience that disturbs my sense of inner peace) I like to remind myself of how expertly designed the body is to deal with somatic experience and that if I’m finding it difficult, it must be because I’m complicating it! To unpack that a little more, the body is easily capable of experiencing extreme excitement, extreme fear, extreme joy, extreme sadness: in a beautiful dance between the endocrine system producing ‘hormone’ chemicals and the neurons producing neurotransmitter chemicals, the body’s heartrate, blood vessel dilation, respiratory pattern, perspiration response, pupil dilation etc etc etc changes to give each of us a unique and extremely responsive experience of reality and being ALIVE! What a gift to have such a ‘virtual reality’ experience. Imagine a technology product (like google glass or whatever) that could do that – we’d all be addicted! And this system works day and night, every breath of our lives. So it comes with its own mechanisms for clearing out all this chemical experience once the experience has been ‘lived’. (Mostly through the kidneys! and the processes involved in returning the autonomic nervous system to ‘off’ i.e. from ‘flight or fight’ back to ‘rest and digest’) One of the analogies that can help us understand ourselves in this way is that being an emotional being is like being a river or maybe more like the riverbank/ river container. That is, we just allow the water to flow. Sometimes there is a lot of water. Sometimes there is a steady flow. Sometimes there is debris that bounces around / gets stuck. Sometimes there is a flood. But the water always keeps flowing. The whole function of the river is for the water to flow. If there is no water, there is no river. Water in all its gauges is the natural ‘stuff’ of the river. There is nothing to be feared from the water. It arrives, it flows, it moves on. It is not the river’s job to ‘own’ the water or follow it to the end. The river just lets the water flow. The only way to ‘stuff up’ this system is to block the river. Then all sorts of problems can occur. We can get a dam situation where on one side of the river there is increasing pressure causing potential explosion or rupture and on the other side there is a lack of flow meaning not enough water for life to sustain itself and clean out any rubbish or invaders. Or we can have part of the river getting cut-off from the main flow and becoming a swamp or billabong leading to stagnant water that can be toxic to life. So river health means river flow. And it is the same for our emotions. They are e-motions, that is, energy in motion. There is nothing to fear from emotions as long as they are in flow, moving through the system. (To be continued ...) If you’re here on the Linha da Cascais, you’ll know that we’re suddenly in the middle of some blustery days (and my home town of Canberra is experiencing a windy week of Autumn too!) so it seems like a great time to remind everyone that wind is considered an important factor in Ayurvedic health.
In the West, we tend to disregard wind as being inconvenient or a bother but we don’t think of it as having an impact on our health, wellbeing and state-of-mind. However, in Ayurveda we recognise that wind is aggravating for Vata. And that’s because the mind-body dosha called Vata is made up of ‘space’ energy and ‘air’ energy. So Vata is incredibly light, nimble, open, flexible, able to change direction and get excited about new possibilities and ideas. At its best, it’s like a soft, spring breeze that dances, ever so lightly, across flower-filled meadows; so light, so alive, so happy to gracefully tip-toe over a particular flower patch and then seconds later, delight in the play of moving grass stems at the other end of the meadow; always moving, always changing, always light. However, precisely because of its ‘lightness of foot’, Vata is extremely susceptible to increases in wind movement. That light breeze delighting in the meadow is not grounded or attached to the earth in any way, and as soon as a strong movement of air comes, the ‘light breeze’ is completely picked up and carried by the stronger current of air. No matter how much the ‘light breeze’ might like to get back to its flower patch or blades of grass, it is now at the mercy of the stronger air current and experiencing all the turbulence that comes with it! What does that mean for those of us who have Vata in our mind-body mix? Well, it can mean, that at times like this when the wind is stronger, we feel disturbed, forgetful, unfocussed, absent-minded, vague, foggy, agitated, anxious, panicked, emotional, out-of-routine, cut-a-drift, lost, fatigued, unable to settle and distracted. So take a deep breath, it’s not that you are flaky or losing it!, it’s just a windy day!! And luckily, Ayurveda has heaps of practical actions those of us that are affected by wind can take to feel more grounded and protected. Firstly, Abhyanga (or daily self oil massage) has a wonderfully protective effect on the body and mind. One way to think about it is that as a Vata, we are very OPEN to the outside environment (because we are so light) and applying oil to the outer layer of the body (the skin) is like closing that openness to some degree. It’s like a protective layer of oil that becomes a shield when we are out there in the cut and thrust of the real world. (If you need a top up during the day, a foot rub is a great way to feel more grounded and get you breathing more deeply. So wherever you are, kick-off your shoes and nourish your feet and your groundedness with 5 minutes of foot therapy – and if you have access to sesame oil – even better!) Then, as much as possible, keep warm. Pack and extra layer in case it gets colder or windier this afternoon. Don’t let yourself be exposed to too much cold because Vata is naturally COLD, so we don’t need much before we feel REALLY cold! And cover your ears with a scarf, hood or hat. Ears are a Vata organ, so they especially effected by wind. Keeping them warm and still (protected from strong movements of air/wind) can really help to feel less scattered, forgetful and vulnerable. Finally, Vata is very responsive to shock. That is, when Vata gets a shock (or something unexpected) it is very fast to go out of balance and create more uncertainty and anxiety. So let’s take the ‘shock’ out of wind …
* it is really important - as Vata we are so open and giving to others that it is SUPER EASY to get depleted - so really listen to that inner energy source and make sure it's still and full before 'getting out there again' :) I hope this helps you feel more settled and powerful on windy days and feel free to contact me if you want more ideas. |
AuthorI'm an Ayurvedic Life Coach, Teacher and Massage Therapist living on the 'Linha de Cascais' in Portugal. I love sharing Ayurveda and appreciation of Life with others. Archives
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